YOU NEED A NEW DRUG
By Jack Millea
Deep inside Brooklyn’s fortune cookie cabal, new names for pharmaceuticals are conjured, translated into Sanskrit, then re-translated into Linear A. They are then passed up the Madison Avenue exec chain where they are reconstituted — under diamond-pulverizing ‘creative process’ pressure — into Adspeak, then green-lit for marketing.
This list of promising 2021 market entries ‘fell off a truck’ on 52nd Street.
comYOUnyin –Tired of choking down those large, hazardous capsules? Ask your doctor about the “comYOUnyin option.” Get your meds in convenient, easy-to-swallow “micro-wafer” form — no more washing down bulky capsules with harsh cold water. comYOUnyin not only “melts in your mouth,” it pairs well with merlot.
(Not proven effective as a salvific agent)
Huluvzia — Bummed about your early onset male pattern life? Not sure your button busting three-piece robin’s egg blue corduroy suit screams “executive material”? Afraid the chicks might not dig a bald, chubby, fifty-something guy with a lollipop in his mouth? If you have Savalas Syndrome, ask your doctor about Huluvzia, and turn those downsides into assets!
(Index finger distortion may occur, but you’ll use it to your advantage.)
Ibetchathis — Hey, life’s a crap shoot. Sometimes you’ve got nothing to lose, right? When you sense there’s “something” you can’t quite put your finger on, that “funny feeling” you may have an unknown dread disease: ask your doctor. She just might say: “Ibetchathis will work.”
(Must be over 21 and live in New Jersey.)
oTheridiz — (the TV spot) We see a married couple — thin, hip, touch of gray retirees — gazing sagely and serenely toward a lake from the deck of their vacation A-frame in a quiet pine forest. Between them on the railing is a pair of binoculars. She jots the latest sighting in their birder ‘life list.’ He turns toward an off camera bird cry, then looks to her, a bit nonplussed. She nods to the binoculars, lovingly giving him ‘the look.’ He shrugs with a smile. They exclaim in jovial unison,
“oTheridiz!”
(You’ll know when it’s time.)
IyamwutIyam — Tired of the get-rich-quick, self-help, self-esteem guru-go- round? IyamwutIyam unlocks the AMA*-approved secret of spinach to let you bring your inventory of “life goals” and catalog of “life achievements” back into balance so you’re at ease in ‘your world, your life.’
(Side effects may include extreme forearm edema.)
*American Marketing Association
rEMUv — Ask your therapist about this clinically proven formula to reduce or eliminate anxiety brought on by an irrational desire to buy insurance — any insurance — after being subjected to an endless onslaught of the industry’s pitiless parade of stupid t.v. commercials.
Wudizdis — (also marketed as Jestaykit, a subdivision of DJT Industrial
Cleaning LLC) It is what it is. Who knows? Who cares? Many of the best people at the Food and Drug Administration didn’t disapprove it. Did they do it just because Big Pharma thought they could ‘find’ some money in it? Hey, it’s not illegal. Right? Or Deep State bureaucrats forced them to make it . . . by Executive Order? I don’t think so. Many people have said this drug is fantastic and there are many, many others who have had excellent results taking it — for diseases they never thought of — especially the children, who’ve taken it many, many times — they can take anything — nothing hurts the kids — just to show that, you know, it works fantastically. Fantastically.
(Ingesting ammonia-laced bleach may adversely affect your body’s interior lighting system)
Nuhstalja — Too ‘Gen Z’ to remember the ‘good old days’? Think *NSYNC means Never Sure You’re Not COVID? Feeling ‘left out’ of the Zoom conversation because you don’t get the LOLs? Hey, it’s not them — it’s YOU! So, “Come along if you care. Come along if you dare. Take a ride to the land inside your mind” — with Nuhstalja. Available in tab, windowpane and now — the convenience of comYOUnion!
(Neither Justin Timberlake nor the Amboy Jukes care about your cluelessness.)
Nuunerz — Need to release all that COVID tension and lose those homebound love handles? You need Nuunerz — the clinically proven method to reduce dangerous hypertension caused by the anxiety of isolation. And, Nuunerz exclusive on-call therapists provide the kind of deep down stress relieving, calorie-blasting workout only true “pros” know how to deliver.
(Legally available only in certain counties of Nevada)
Symtums– Tired of being ignored by your ingrate adult children who never visit or being left in a corner by surly nursing home staff? Try Symtums and watch them come running! You’ll be embraced by burly EMTs, treated by dreamy ER docs and whisked to a private room where nurses, residents, med students, chaplains — even Candy Stripers — will give you all the attention you deserve.
(Comes in cardio, stroke or gastric)
